the 'one'

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.1 Corinthians 13:4-7

While reading Yasmine's blog today, the 'fear' crept up again. is he really the 'one'? no, the feeling hasn't gone away, its persisted for i don't know how long now, and it doesnt feel right that i'm still asking this question at this point of time. i can see kwa's reaction right now, sorry dear for subjecting you to the 'i-think-i-want-to-break-up-but-i-can't-bring-myself-to-do-it' phase so many times...

but really, i know he wants to marry me. but does he really understand what i want in marriage? does he really know me? im not the same girl he went on his knees and proposed to anymore...we've both changed...sigh...

we've been saying that God must be the centre...but it hasn't happened.the promises to pray together also haven't materialised...how can we move from this stage if God isn't here? i feel that we've reached the edge of the cliff...to get to the other side its a major hurdle. not that circumstances are not creating the hurdle already...if i get my exchange(Please God) i'll be away for 6 months. test of faith and of the relationship? im really exhausted..it doesnt feel like things can and will change. you can't make leopards change their spots. and you can't change people if they don't want to.

i wish i could make him understand that what i need goes beyond the everyday things. not that he's not doing them already. he's a gem. picking me up when i stay late at sch, coming by even after he's worked a long day to give a goodnight hug and kiss, patiently teaching me how to drive n cycle(ok the driving is an overstatement)...i just feel so selfish needing more from him...i want to take our relationship to another level, n that means not procrastinating about joining cell at PLMC. i feel that the love is dying because the love from above has not been growing!i need him emotionally now , not physically. im willing to trade him being there for me all the time physically for him to be able to understand how im feeling and what i want...

like R said, its sad when u can't be truthful with ur one true friend. ive started to push him away. n he can feel it. i feel sad to make him worry like that, but i feel like i need these walls n this distance from him right now. its just so confusing. like im on autopilot doing all these things for him, yet my heart is so far away. this definitely isn't love. cos love doesn't hurt other ppl..but y do we hurt each other so?

looking at the pretty wedding pictures, i feel a sense of sadness. have i really been truly happy? or have i been deceiving myself and him at the same time? or is this just not part of God's plan?